Looking for mindfulness

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the meaning of life.  That probably sounds deeper than it really is, but still….

Waiting for a late bus the other day, I felt myself getting pissed off about the wasted minutes – I could have had a few more minutes climbing with my friend!  I’m going to be late meeting my friends at the restaurant!  Then, for some reason, I was able to catch myself.  Why was I so angry?  Couldn’t I just embrace the moment?  Take advantage of the opportunity to take a deep breath, look around, experience the world around me?

Within the last year, my running community lost two wonderful people.  To be honest, it almost doesn’t feel right writing about them as I didn’t know either of them well.  I ran with Dave a few times after he’d already gotten sick; but even though he wasn’t well, I could see a special spark in his eyes.  What I knew about Dave was that he was a wonderful, dedicated father and husband, hardworking coworker.  He was a great ultramarathoner, and when he wasn’t running he was helping other runners.  On top of that, he found time to volunteer in the community.  Joha passed away just yesterday.  I only knew Joha from my friends, but reading her story and knowing her impact on my friends has left a large impact on me.  Joha was first diagnosed with brain cancer in college.  Despite – no, in spite – of this, she finished college and became a college cross country star.  Her cancer came back again, she continued to fight, to work, to run, to coach.  She was only in her early 30s, yet had already lived such a full life.

I wish I had known Joha and Dave better – but from what I do know of them, and even more, what I know of their impact on those who knew them well, I know that they were both truly extraordinary people – and it seems that they were people who may have been a little closer to being able to appreciate all the moments of life.

Carpe’ diem seems like a cliché in this jaded world.  How am I supposed to seize the day when there is never enough time in the day to make it through my checklist or when I come home exhausted every night?  How am I supposed to embrace even the quiet moments when deadlines loom and my email is backed up in my inbox?  That’s part of why I run.  Especially when I’m on trails, I’m better able to get out of my head.  There are consequences to thinking while running trails – I have the scars to show for it.  But even knowing this, I can struggle – even today while running at lunch; a beautiful sunny day, warmer than it has been in weeks, I found myself obsessing about what I wanted to say in this blog post.  It took conscious effort to pull my attention away and just experience what was around me. 

Somehow I need to move closer to balance – to fulfilling my obligations, but also being present and mindful while doing them; appreciating the quiet spaces, the opportunities to just stop, look around, and see the world around me.  It’s not like these concepts are new to me – books by Buddhist philosophers sit on my shelves and I’ve spent many hours sitting in meditation trying to quiet my busy mind.  I could argue that the pressures of western society make it hard, but I don’t think that’s a sufficient excuse.  There are still choices to be made.  Even if there are obligations at work, I can choose my orientation to them.  I can not get pissed about a late bus.  I can not feel guilty about just sitting still and experiencing the world around me.  At least I can try.